Just a woman griping into the void.

sawsbuckgo:

I am not the girl who comes along and changes your whole world.
I am not the girl who can melt your every problem with a smile.
Your life thus far has not all been prelude to the day you met me.
I am not one of a kind
There ARE a million girls just like me, deny it all you want.
If I can’t love you, you sure as hell do not love me.
I am a very flawed individual.
My flaws are not cute.
Your acceptance of them does not mean you win me like some prize.
Believe me, other man have tried that route.
‘Oh, I think you’ll find I’m different.’
He winks. He is the same.
I am not a disney princess.
Compliments don’t make me love you.
I’m not awaiting rescue.
I have not been waiting for you.

You are not the man who comes along and changes my whole world.
You can be nice all you want.
It doesn’t mean I owe you a thing.
If I can’t see your life and my life comfortable merging, we will not happen.
Not because you didn’t tell me I’m pretty.
Not because you didn’t buy me lunch.
Dozens of men have done both of those things.
I didn’t marry them.
A mirror can tell me I’m attractive.
My parents and grandmother tell me I’m pretty.
I’m not going to pee myself over a guy who says the same.
That’s what is expected of me though.

All my life I’ve said yes because that’s what I’m supposed to do.
All my life boys have asked me to date them.
And little me says yes, certainly, because a pretty girl is supposed to have a boyfriend isn’t she?
So I spend time with him when I’d rather be somewhere else.
I let him touch me as ice runs down my spine and I throw up in my mouth.
Then I get sick of my misery and I leave him. He cries.
My misery was fine
Because he was happy.
It happens again until I’m an adult.
Then a few more times.

I start saying no.
What a bitch.
I wouldn’t mind being friends.
What a tease.
I like hanging out with you.
I can’t be around you, he tells me.
I’ll fall for you, he says.
If that’s the case, fuck him.
I won’t fake happiness for another second.
Maybe someday I’ll find a man I enjoy being with. Maybe I’ll feel comfortable when he sits close to me. Maybe he’ll smile and my problems will melt. Maybe he’ll touch me and fire will run down my spine and love will come from my mouth.

If I tell you you are not that man,
Believe me.
I won’t keep faking happiness through misery
To please a man I don’t care for.
I owe you nothing.

Believe that.