Manicure Tip #1: If you ever flood your cuticles or get too much nail polish under your nails while you’re wrapping the tips, or don’t have the dexterity to paint a smooth, intentional gap, you can just take an orange stick or something and kind of run it along the edge of your cuticle while the polish is still wet to make a “cut” that separates the polish from your skin. This is helpful because if you “glue” your cuticle to your nail bed, the polish will peel right off because it didn’t adhere correctly. You want a slight gap, even if it’s just enough that the area still moves slightly without being stuck in place by polish.
Manicure Tip #2: If you pull out your pocket knife and use the flathead screwdriver to clear nail polish out of your cuticles in front of a straight dude, he WILL lecture you about how that’s not what it’s for, as though he legitimately thinks you don’t know what the fuck a MANLY, MANLY screwdriver is and were such a HORRIBLE, FEMININE airhead that you assumed your cute little knifey poo came with nail care tools just because it also has a file.
Manicure Tip #3: Like, seriously, who insults the intelligence of someone with a knife.
Manicure Tip #4: I mean, I didn’t stab the dude, but I super could’ve.
Manicure Tip #5: Seriously, man, you think I don’t know what a screwdriver is because I wear nail polish? It’s called overcoming functional fixedness, ya’ dick.
Manicure Tip #6: It should be legal to stab people, but just like. A little bit. Like maybe you cut a button off of their shirt or fuck up their bangs and you go to court like, “This fucker for reals thought I didn’t know what a screwdriver was.”
Manicure Tip #7: The L.A. Colors “Color Last” nail polishes are really nice if you go for the lighter colours, but the dark ones have that kind of jelly-looking transparency that makes them hard to get opaque in under four coats. But at less than two dollars a bottle, you really can’t be too upset about it. Brush size is a little much, hence the cuticle flooding, but still a good product for the price point.
– Buy Bulk. My number one tip for budgeting food is to BUY IN BULK. Instead of buying a chicken breast, buy eight and individually wrap them in plastic wrap. Freeze what you’re not going to eat within the next two days, and defrost as needed.
– Cook Bulk. Make a large pot of chili, soup, or your favorite pasta sauce. Buy plastic containers at Walmart and portion out your meals. Freeze them all! I do this with my pasta puttanesca sauce, I make it once every six months and cook enough to last.
– Store Brands. There are cheap knock off brands of everything from Cheez-Its to Quaker Oats. They’ll be anywhere from $1-$3 cheaper than the brand names. On a similar note, store brand cleaning supplies is about $5 cheaper than the name brands! Don’t judge them before you try them.
– Store Cards. My Stop & Shop card gives me a gas discount, and other store cards offer similar perks. Store card + store brands = ridiculous savings.
– Avoid Organics. Like I said in my last Adulting post, I’m not paying $4 for a cucumber unless it can clean my apartment and sing Jazz standards. Buy vegetables, but avoid anything labeled “organic”.
– Mixed Greens. Avoid buying “mixed greens” unless you’re going to eat them within a day or two, these have a very short shelf life. Instead, buy a head of lettuce or a bushel of kale.
– Frozen Produce. Stock your freezer with bags of peas, carrots, fruit, etc. These will defrost easily in your soups and are good if you run out of ice packs.
– Dollar Stores. They have really weird brands of chips and pasta and really poor quality paper towels, so don’t expect to do you entire shop here. However, they sell bulk tomato sauce, six packs of ramen, tuna fish and other wonderful things for under a dollar. My local Dollar store sells tubes of capers for a dollar when just down the street my organic supermarket sells them for upwards of $5.
– Buy Fruit. Specifically, BUY IN BULK at your local chain supermarket. My boyfriend and I have been throwing back those Cara Cara oranges like nobody’s business. Fruit is great for quick breakfasts, snacks, and a healthy alternative to downing a pint of Ben and Jerrys.
As small as the world 